Ignorant Daydreams
by Hyper Deathray
Summary: Post ep. 135 Naruto contemplates his future, a future that is undecided.


**Disclaimer: **I don't own naruto, Kishimoto Masashi does.

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**Ignorant Daydreams**

Moonlight sprayed over the scarred surface of the ruined forehead protector. Even though Naruto had been holding on to it ever since he awoke to the funny smell of the hospital, he refused to let go of it. The old pervert had left, along with everyone else, leaving him alone here in this bed for the night.

He didn't mind. It gave him time to think. And boy, was there a lot to think about. He wasn't holding Sasuke's forehead protector because he missed Sasuke. More often than not, he was happy to see the bastard go home by the end of the day. It's just that now those days might never come again. He held on to it because he wasn't sure what would happen tomorrow, or the day after that.

No more Sasuke.

Ha! And people always said that he was slow to pick up on things. He wanted to put the damned thing down, but he just couldn't.

Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke. It was always about Sasuke. He tried to accept that his friend was gone, but that he was definitely going to come back.

Maybe.

Or that he was going to drag Sasuke back from that snake bastard and spank him, hard.

Maybe.

_Is this what it feels like to lose an important person in your life?_

Speaking of losing important people, he was still thinking about those hateful words.

_What do you know of me with no parents or siblings! You were alone from the start! What the hell do you know! We suffer because of our bonds… _

…_You don't know how it feels to lose them! _

_Did you know what you were saying? No, Sasuke, you don't know anything about me. _

It wasn't Sasuke's fault. After all, there weren't that many people who did understand him. Not Iruka-sensei, who saw a mirror image of himself. Not old man Hokage, who had seen a lonely boy who needed some advice from the village grandpa, same as the other children. Not Sakura-chan, whom he swore looked right _through_ him sometimes. The truth is that people either saw what they wanted to see, or what he wanted them to see.

_The truth, Sasuke, is that I do know, and it's because I was alone from the start._ Naruto never admitted this to anyone, only to himself. Sometimes when he was alone, feeling discouraged after a bad day, he felt so sick of his own promises. He would hate everyone the way he always had. He would hate the way that everyone looked at him. He would hate the way he made himself look to everyone. He would hate his own dream, feeling like he was a sellout for their pity and compassion, feeling like he was weak to need such things from _them_ of all people. He wanted to smash them to make them care, to beat their life away because they took away his. Hate tasted good, hot and filling.

Later, he would regret those thoughts and vow to never think of them again. He would shove them away and put on a smile. Everything did matter, and nothing was wrong. He would promise himself that if today he trained himself to death, then everything would all come true tomorrow. Sometimes, Naruto just felt so desperate.

And sometimes he didn't. Sometimes, he felt as carefree as he acted. Sometimes, Naruto would play with Konohamaru, Udon, and Moegi after school. They would try to find Naruto, who had made two _kage bunshins_ and had all three transform. Konohamaru would find one when he tripped on his own cape and knocked over a vase. Udon would find one when he needed a tissue to blow his nose with. And Moegi would find the real one when she wanted to eat a leftover apple. Iruka-sensei would come and lightly scold them for playing in the classroom.

Sometimes, in the morning, Naruto would steal Kakashi-sensei's book out of his pocket, and ransom it back for a crate of cup noodles. During lunchtime, he would sneak off into the woods and transform. When Sakura-chan realized that she wasn't hugging a bunny, it got really bad. In the afternoon, when Sasuke was quietly brooding by himself, Naruto would sneak up to him and give him a wedgie. Naruto would laugh to himself, and Sasuke would glare, but would be too proud to fight over something so petty and beneath him. At the end of the day, there would be no resentments. It was nothing personal, just Naruto being Naruto.

Sometimes, he would corner that old pervert, transform into a hot babe, and kick him out of the bushes with his pants down and his face blushed for all the girls bathing in the stream to see. He would go back to the Hokage's office and report mission accomplished. Granny Tsunade would congratulate him while warning him with thinly veiled threats. Shizune would pretend to hear nothing while Naruto walked out the door, his purse a little fuller.

Sometimes, he would feel that he was almost happy with his life, not seeing the town where loathing and hatred moved through every street. Sometimes, he could accept the fact that the faces of the four past Hokages looked down at everyone in the village, Naruto included, and not at him and only him. Sometimes, he felt that he could one day do the same, and was almost happy to just be part of the crowd.

Those hand-like wings that sprouted from Sasuke's back, Naruto knew exactly what they reminded him of. Those hands that gave him the power he wanted, promising everything while poised to betray him in the end.

_Is this what your dreams and ambitions have turned you into? To devote your life to a single goal? To let it grab you and devour you?_ Those wings reminded him of how far he would go for Sasuke, and for himself. Naruto was afraid, after seeing those giant hands overshadowing Sasuke, and what Sasuke had become, after seeing what he himself had become. Now Naruto just wondered when his beast would spring from his back, and where. He already knew the who, what, and why of it.

Maybe Sasuke would find what he wanted. Maybe Naruto would find what he wanted. Maybe. Nothing felt certain anymore. His friend, who he thought he knew, was gone, right after he told Sakura-chan that it wouldn't happen, showing how lack of understanding went both ways. It wasn't because Sasuke was gone that he couldn't let go of the headband. It was because the metal was the only thing that felt solid.

_You said that we suffer because of our bonds, didn't you? And that I didn't know?_ Naruto didn't know that people suffered from their bonds, the same way he didn't know how people wished those bonds back so the world would make sense again, the same way he didn't know how such yearning could devour them alive.

Ha! And some people were dumb enough to call him a dropout.

_You're a dumb bastard. A dumb, ignorant bastard._

Another second, another hour went by, and Naruto found that he still couldn't put down the ruined forehead protector.

When Naruto woke up, he found that the headband was no longer in his grasp. He had to smile. It was on the desk next to him, next to a 'get well' card, several of them actually, along with a bowl filled with cherries.


End file.
